How to handle conflict with non-vegan friends and family, without compromising your vegan values

Struggling to understand why those you love still eat meat? Here’s how to connect effectively and handle conflict with non-vegan friends and family

You probably know it only too well: once you’d learnt the sad story of how meat, dairy, fish and eggs get onto your plate, you probably had a simple belief – if other people also knew, they would go vegan, too.

The same with cosmetics and household products tested on animals – if only people knew, they would choose ethical alternatives.

Because once you know, you can’t continue to live in blissful ignorance. Right?

Sadly, it seems that many people are happy to ignore the uncomfortable truth and carry on as usual.

It’s hard, but it can be heartbreaking if they’re close friends and family and don’t seem to care.

But what can you do about it while still keeping your sanity?

1. Relate and show understanding

Even though friends or family are the ones judging or challenging you, try to keep calm and let them know you understand their point of view. Unless you were born vegan or vegetarian, you were in their shoes at some point.

Remind them of it – you once shared their view, so you know where they’re at.

If they are worried about you, for example for health reasons, acknowledge it:

“I know you’re worried about me and the old me may have had the same reaction, but I’ve learned a lot over the past months/years.”

With older people, the situation might be different, because when they were young, meat and animal products may have been a luxury and your rejecting that may be seen as disrespectful.

If that’s the case, tell them you understand, but while you do respect them, you cannot with a clear conscience support the way farmed animals are bred and killed or how the oceans are decimated.

2. Educate if appropriate

Whatever you do, don’t lecture – be personal and reassuring.

Try something like: “I know you’ve a good heart and I believe that if you knew what I know, you’d make the same choices as me”.

It may sound cheesy, but people like to know you see the good in them.

Using a specific example is a good approach. Pick one animal, one incident that particularly shocked you and tell them about it.

A telling example is always the fact that dairy cows give birth every year, but have their calves taken away from them within hours so humans can have the milk intended for their babies.

Try to not bombard people or make them feel judged, so then change the subject, but you may have sowed a seed.

3. Take control of the situation

It’s easy to get emotional or angry, but it’s not the way to constructive conversation.

If it happens to you or the other person, step back and say you’ll talk about it another time.

If someone confronts you with science, ask them to show you the studies that back them up. They may well ask you to do the same, and that’s fair, so be prepared.

Don’t let people put you on the defensive so that you make wild claims and then have to frantically search for studies to back them up.

Arguments aren’t ideal, but you can afford to be fair and give them a hearing – the facts are on your side.

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4. Agree to disagree

Sometimes, it’s the only way.

Agree to disagree and don’t talk about it, but be reassured that some things you’ve said will lodge in the other person’s consciousness, fermenting away.

If the subject comes up again, don’t make it a big issue and lead by example instead. It may be that with some people it will always create tension, so just get on with your life and leave it alone.

Over time, you will show them that your lifestyle is a great one, and that’s hard to argue with.

5. Don’t compromise

It’s sometimes hard not to compromise for the sake of peace, but keep your views clear and don’t fall into the ‘what if’ trap.

“What if you crashed in the jungle and had to hunt to survive?” Or the good old “desert island” scenario.

Hypothetical survival situations have nothing to do with millions of animals suffering and the fact that we have the freedom of choice and can choose the most ethical and sustainable options.

6. Know when to quit

Sometimes, you have to let people go.

It’s incredibly difficult, but if your encounters always create friction and bad feelings, you may need to admit that perhaps that relationship has run its course.

Or you need a break – try not to see the person for a few months and see how things are afterwards.

Why should vegans be the ones to handle the conflict?

You might be thinking “why does it have to be me, tiptoeing about and keeping calm?” – and you’re right, it shouldn’t be like that.

However, as long as the vegan lifestyle is in a minority, we have to make more of an effort to state our case to non-vegans.

What to do if a loved one enjoys harming animals

The situation is different when people kill for fun and go hunting or fishing.

These ‘sports’ may run in the family and be a deeply rooted part of their identity, but it doesn’t mean they don’t think about their actions.

Even if it’s difficult, try to have an open conversation about why they like it or what is the most and least favourite parts of what they do.

Be inquisitive, but not judgemental. Giving them a chance to explain makes them feel heard and so more likely to respect your views.

Obviously, you’d like them to stop killing animals and even if you think the chances are slim, it’s not impossible.

Sow seeds of doubt in their mind, but judge it carefully.

Maybe ask them if they ever feel sorry for the animal they’ve killed or injured, but don’t get into a lengthy conversation – ask and let it go.

It’s not about their answer, but about the thoughts you’ve triggered in their mind.

Finding like-minded vegan friends

It can be draining to maintain your lifestyle while trying to get on with everyone, even feeling lonely at times – and that’s why vegan friends are priceless.

Things are so much easier when you have like-minded friends around and it’s well worth going out of your way to find some!

Try local vegan groups (search social media for meet-ups and events), vegan festivals, vegan cafés or volunteering for a vegan charity.

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Featured photo © fizkes via Adobe Stock